By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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