Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
