he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
it glows. i had to have it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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