The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Let's get the cat blown out
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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