she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
