five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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