Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
