Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize