why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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