Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
