i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
