Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
