She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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