She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
