it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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