was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
