Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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