im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
