Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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