I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
