Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
