I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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