my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
