Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
