he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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