i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
