there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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