I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
