Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize