oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
