Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
