Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
