i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
