he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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