the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
