Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
