remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
