if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
