I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
