Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
