i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
