i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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