Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
