Ambien. No doubt about it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
