He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
