Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
