I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
