Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
