did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
