omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
too bad you live with your parents still
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
