So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
