I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I believe in your delicious
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
