filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
