We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
