I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
