My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
