Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
